FULL HOUSE!

i want to cry lah now,
Stupif FULL HOUSE!!!
dam the director!i want a certain guy to have the girl!why must she like the other guy!! this guy is sooo much more beteer!! fuck and i haven slpt a wink and am so desperate to continue watchin the next 2 epi(they came together in 1 disc)but am sooo afraid of the ans she will give him....hai,,,,,,,they should be togetehr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okokok enuf of blabber.had to get that out of my system

i'm done.
thanks

AAHAHAHAHHA!!!

will be updating on the last few days soon.
just came now to say this

a is coming to my house tml to help me clean my room!!!hahahaha i' so happy..and he smsed me this

"oi!oi! i miss u leh!"

fuck i dun think i can slp tonite!

My Days

i've got sooooooooooooooo many things to say! wil just cut them to a little important few.
(last paper tml lah!)

This next part is directly only to LINDO: rem what i told u earlier this week,and what u told me your mummy said,i was so shocked that i couldnt come up with a reply then.so here is my reply to that,
i totally understand where your mum's coming from honey,and u may want to listen to her advise,if u do,i totally understand,dun worry abt me k.i'll be fine.whats more important is that u dun fight with her becoz of me or watever okay?!i'll not feel good like that.

Yest huilin brought me to bugis to buy her art stuff from this shop,which i immediately fell in love with.i love the atmospher,it feels like everyone who was in the shop was connected,bonded in a certain way,such as their love for art.it felt so belonging and so at home.and there were so many cool stuff there,i realli enjoyed myself!i think i'm going to go back there on fri,need to get a few stuff,will be going back there a couple of times during hols also,need to get stuff for stupid A's bday,which shit ass would ask ME out of everyone,to MAKE them a bday present,knowing that i super suck in arty farsty stuff.
let me STRESS:I LIKE ART,BUT NOT THE DRAWING,PAINTING AND FIXING PARTS,I LIKE THE APRECIATING PART,THE UNDERSTANDING PART,LITERATURE IS MY LOVE.
so there i'm so at a loss with what to get him.any ideas ppl?!!condition is that it must be made..FUCK.

ok so when hl and i were walking out of the bugis mrt station,this girl came up to me and i asked me if i would like to apear on TV,i said no.ten she went on to ask me abt some modeling stuff and what not,she was quite young,and becoz she was so persistant and all,and becoz i wanted to run away,becoz i was super shyyoi gave her my particulars and left.
I DUN FUCKING GET IT!!!!!
if random ppl from the streets can come up and tell me that i'm beautiful,why is it that the ones i want to be noticed by are not saying or doing anything!!!WHY are guys so freaking annoying and puzzling?!!i'm confused now when it comes to my love life,i'm stagnent wif one,and going nowhere with the other..
WHERE AND WHEN IS MY THIRD ONE COMING?!!!!
ahahahahah,with more options i may be able to compare(rite hani?!) and see..
pls be soon!or i'll be so bored!

ok so accounting was yest,i finished the paper in 50 min..i heard some were still fighting with time right till the end,this scares me but i noe i did my best,so i'm not very afraid of the results actually,all i hope is i not let my aunty down,coz that would suck..i'm just so GLAD that accouting is over,this was the paper i was worrying shits abt,TG!!! its over!! i was so happy when i left the room yest.studied till 6am with hani on msn,that was uber fun and i realli studied unlike some ppl...ok..u'll understand how stressed i was abt accounting if i tell u this,during that time in the early morning while studying,i finished the whole box of Van Houlten chocolate which i myself opened..SEE!!

today's national day,my Dad,Mum, and Bro gave me a present,they PAINTED my room for me!!!!!!! this is SMT that has been procastinating since O levels so i'm glad its done,well mostly,but still, i was so touched lah,althou my dadd demanded for $40 bucks to which my mum gave a stare to, and demanding automatically stopped.hahahahahhahaha,TOO BAD DADDY!

^^^ok now back to NAVIGATION SAFETY.

Wee..

Pulau Ubin!!!!!!!!!
Be ready for us!!

Ps:ZEE Cant wait!!!

Question

If there are 5 people, but the lifeboat can only contain 4 people and you must give up one person, who would you choose?
1) Priest
2) 8 year old orphan
3) Your wife/husband
4) Your mother
5) Yourself

I read this in IceAngle's blog, and without a second of thinking i immediately knew who.

-Myself.

the ladies.

I LOVE YOU ANG HUI LIN

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME,I MAY HAVE ISSUES THAT I ABSOLUTELY CANT STAND U OF,BUT STILL AT THE END OF THE DAY,I DEEPLY AM THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL OF YOUR PRESENSE IN MY LIFE.I LOVE U GIRL,IN 2 WEEKS,I'LL HELP YOU WITH WATEVER IT IS THAT U NEED HELP WIF ALRITE,TIL THEN HANG ON!

I LOVE YOU P

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.NTH I SAY WIL BE ABLE TO MATCH UP FOR WATEVER U HAVE TAUGHT,GIVEN,SHARED AND SPENT ON ME.
PS:YOUR DREAM WILL NEVER COME THRU, MAINLY BECOZ I HAVE U.

i'm not feeling well.
emotionally and physicaly.
been having flu the whole day,and becoz of that its diff to breathe,making my asthma worst.(like the state i'm in emotionaly,trying to catch for air)
plus my P came.
becoz of all these,plus the total lack of support frm TF
i feel like shit.
shit's overated when used on me.
becoz with all these i canot do anything,like real work
like study or finish my assignmnets coz nth goes in..
and i feel like shit,and time's running out..
and i realli need to do well this time.
LIKE REALLY REALLY NEED TO..
i'm so stress..
i'm feeling to helpess ad hopeless,coz i reali cant get any work done but i noe i need to...
god...i want to go cry now.
but first i need to clear my table filled wif tissue and breathe,,,

The Play

I miss the Family so very much.

Same house,Different Lives.Different times.
______________________________________
I dressed up today for Sch,for Tc,coz the mood was there

I was happy,excited and very looking-forward

ppl there are funny and fun to hang out wif,thou some and most, some of the times,pissed the shit of me.


and A came for the play,was extremely happy,to date(touch wood!)he hasnt not,not come for anything i asked him to come for.no matter how busy he is or watever,its the effort and thot that counts i feel.and for that,i'm deeply apreciative.only known him for a yr and yet he's always been there for me,its all these small things that i like him for and thus am able to see pass the other stuff like his teeth or his lameness.He cares and tats all that matters.

He came,watched it,waited for HuiLin and me to be done with our debrief which ended quite late and went home wif us.

He wanted to come all the way to Paris,to have a drink wif us,of which he'll also treat Hui lin,but huilin was too tired.Even then he was thinking of going home from Paris,i had to practically kick him out of the train at Outram..

I missed Lect again today,i reali thot that in Poly,everyone would be like me,slack..easy-going,and fun!(heheheh)however i totally thot wrongly,coz these ppl came from normal schs like me,and couldnt possibly change aft sec sch,so the same kind of ppl should be expected-the ones from sec sch..

In class,i'm prob the worst attendants wise,i pray NOT in ademics...or else can realli go bang wall..

Tml's the last day of performance,i hope when i'm on stage i dun shiver like fuck like i did today..!!

And sch starts at 9..at PM,which means i have to wake up at ....6.30 which is in 4 hrs time!

Nite ppl.

Shit happens,
and all i can do is get use to it.
restless,
have to wait for time to do her thing..
this sucks..
its now,80% numb,20%

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

messaging me once in a very blue moon,saying that u miss me,or when you're feeling bored,doesnt make me feel anything.how abt just not messaging at all..ten i wont have to feel shitty when i feel that you're being a hypocrite.

~pardon me..i'm not feeling too gd.

Fri--Sat-Sun

Its like 8.51,just came back from bhangra nite(will post photos soon,dun worry).its wasnt very good,the crowd was horrible,considering that most were from india.. music wasnt that awesome also.but i had fun with my P!!!and her frens.and as usual,we were the highlights..let me see,what were the highlights(besides us)>>>p,was sent a shot,which she so rejected which i thot was a waste!should have just put on the table lah,so I can drink it! hahah.i drank 2 glasses of screwdrivers,was alrite,but am quite sick of it,they fucking didnt have fruit punch lah!!um...was bugged by this guy tat i thot looked ang moh,but p,siad he's middle-easten,he constantly kept approaching me,wanting a dance,even when p,pulled him away and pratically shouted a no in his face in front of everyone on the dance floor,he came back even harder and kept touching me (bastard!!)i told him a straight no and tat i was fucking attached!ten he said he'll wait for me outside for a smoke,tats when we decided to leave.while leaving he was like i'm so jealous...bla bla bla..i almost ran lah!ten we headed to this place,(forgot e name n p,is slping so shall not bother her)i wasnt that hungry so got myself a MIlo,ten another,and ten a plate of mee goreng,cannot tahan lah!ten we cabbed home,tg! we got one so quickly,compared to all the other times!i overally had fun with my qrp onli lah!

Ps:THERE WERE NO CUTE GUYS,HAD SOME ANG MOH,WHO GAVE UP TOKING TO ME COZ I WAS SUPER NOT BOTHERED AND PASSEdD ON TO PERVIN,BUT OVERALL,NO CUTE GUYS!!!DISAPPOINTING LAH!hehehe

To P:i'm realli sorry,if i had inconvenienced you in any way.sorry abt what happened be4 B.i just want u noe,that i'm lucky to have u,and that i'll always be there like how u have almost been for me,and will literally,LOVE YOU to death my dearest,only i will ever noe how much u have done for me and only saying i'm grateful is,def not enough,but neway thanks my love for everything,pls just noe that i'm there and will always be there for u,for everythng.LUVS U honeys!
##onli my P,will understand this,so dun even try to if you're not her!.##

oh and 17 of my family members and i watched Harry Potter.DISAPPOINTING!!! i didnt like it at all,was boring and so not full of any action at all,i was terribly BORED!Prob worst Harry Potter movie ever!but was so glad that all the cousins came together,realli missed them so much!

*these are the photos of The Me being Model Nite.ENJOY!







**my Huns-Buns,who surprised me yet again and made me feel like its my Bday once again.i cant luv u guys enough!
Ps:vonny dear,its becoz u had an extremely valid reason unlike a,tats why i wasnt upset ok!nth else!MG!!


**we should try auditioning for a tooth Ad!haha
**Shot 1-NICE
**Shot 2-EW!!
**My side view is gorgeous,and p,looks like shes shouting!
**we Try so very hard to get a good shot with the studs..but keepo failing lah,,how??!!!!haha
**Yet again..
**My beautiful Mama.who came staright from a hard day's work at sch just to support me(i LUVS her CAN!!)
**Evon,my sweetheart!
**Huilin,my Honey!
**P,my soul-Mate

**Look at A, stupid face!!!!WTF!!!!!i cannot stop laughing!!!!
**Mama Again,i noe she luvs me!
**My second dress.



**ME
**Strutting The Run-Way.


**Me.

**My Partner and fellow Fren

**My first Dress.
**Closest mate there and awesome girl,Fana
**Another close mate and happening girl,Della
**Partner,Cassin(alumni)
**The four of us,rest were busy taking their own photos




**Getting my Makeup done.
**i was waiting anxiously!(was fucking scared in other words)




**the photographer and me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pictures from hui lin(she gave me onli 2!!!)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


**LOVe them!!!

**Me,in the end,feeling sooo0000 very happy!




Ps::just want to thank everyone who came from the east to support me in the west,love you all so very much,and family,thanks very much for everything,i'll always remember all your faces for as long as i can,when you guys were cheering for me..
Pss::i was alittle upset that H and i didnt take any photos,But thanks for everything anyway,and we'll def have more chance in the future.

HIM again..

I've been coming home almost aft 11 everyday,and sleeping onli aft 1 ten getting up realli early and the cycle continues.
but here i am blogging,coz if i dun,my mind will burst with thots like wat happened to jing mei's mum(forgot her name) from JLC.

I've been thinking abt A,i mean he's always at the back of my mind,but these few days,it has intensified..

i think abt him whenever,i have nth to do,like when i'm not busy,or when i see ppl,in Jc uni,or ppl who're training.my heart just melts!!FUCK lah,i sound so pathetic dam it!!! i'm not like this lah!!!

I miss him so very much!!!and the worst part is,he's not coming tml.my SMS conver with him went like this:

Z:so how u coming on fri?
A:evon they all going?(if they're not means u not coming lah??ASSHOLE)
Z:yah should be lah,go with them.
A:um..ok lor
Z:but hey if u dun want to come,ten its alrite u noe..
A:ok ten nvm lah
Z:ok...(heart broken)
**its not word for word but it went smt like that...

dam it dam it!!! i'm so hooked on him!! and he's not even my type!! and he doesnt even have the nicest teeth(prob the worst)so WHY?!!!and and,i dun noe if he feels the same for me!!!

i think abt how it would be like to kiss him which is fucking insane!!!!(considering his teeth and all)hahaha,but for me to even think abt such a stuff is like thinking abt...Lewis hooking up with Hui lin...IMPOSSIBLE!

Neway i'm sad abt the fact that i'll not be seeing him tml,even if i noe i'll be looking like shit,i just wanted to see him..and i'm also upset with the fact that i like him so much...and doubt highly that he likes me back the same...FUCK!

P:oi,you're so pathetic
Z:i noe!!!but arnt we all??
**arnt we??!!!

neway i feel like shit,and am VERY tired,so gd nite ppl,and pray for me for tml,that i wont fall flat on my face,on stage in front of the whole of west coast park...NITE!

Random.

i dont want to tok about Safari Nite.All i'll say is that with the 3 monkeys,i had my share of the fun!

Neway,its the weekends ready.

MY WANTS:

1. A NEW BAG,LIKE THE TOTE BAG KINDA THINGI,BUT NOT EXACTLY NOT AS BIG.(CANT WAIT FOR 20TH NOV!!,I'LL BE GETTING NOT 1 BUT 2 CRUMPLER!!!)
2. I WANT TO GET THE NORMAL BORING WHITE SHOES FROM THE SHOE SHOP AT CENTRAL
3. A NICE,BUT NOT TOO NICE COMFORTABLE SHOE TO WEAR TO SMT WEAR TO SP.(I REALIWISHED MY FEET WAS SMALLER!!I'LL BUY ALL THE GORGEOUS SHOES IN THE WORLD!)
4. A GUCCI/MANGO WALLET.
5. MY HAIR MOIRSTUURISER/CREAM
6. TO GO BOWLING WITH THE GIRLS!!
7. FOOD FROM CRYSTAL JADE!
   

**THERES SMT ELSE I WANTED BUT FORGOT**(WIL UPDATE WHEN I REMEMBER)

to all those ppl,whom i've not had the chance to talk to lately,do still noe that your thots are with me,and that i'm always theres,whenever u need a tok. ok then i'll be awaiting your phonecalls!

The DREAM.

i had a dream on the last nite tat i stayed in penang.

it really was a dream,with the edges cloudy/smokey and air filled with pink clouds and loads and loads of LOVE.

i saw myself with a guy(couldnt see the face but was chi..)and we were both completely in love with each other just completly,like the world didnt matter and onli i mattered to him and vise versa.
----------which is weird,coz since CK,whenever i'm in a relationship or watever,i feel suffocated and miserable,with the fact that i'm attached,just the thot of the such future happenings,i get scared....i'm very werid--------

i also saw him being very athetlic(godknows how to spell tat shit!)and he was on stage and he won smt and i felt so proud of him,becoz he was MINE,and he did well ,i was so excited so happy,so warm.

Then we hugged,me in his arms,pressing his body against mine,i felt save and wanted the moment to last an eternity.(being the conservative me,holding hands is already a big deal,so i was so shocked in the dream with male contact like this,but i kinda enjoyed it)

Then we just walked hand in hand,sat one a ledge of smt,and just looked out to smt( its either moutains or the sea)and swing our legs and were just so hapy with each other's pressence.i felt so blessed and happy and warm..

thru out everything,not a single word was exchanged between us,and yet we understood each other so well,theres was so much eye contat,i guess the LOVE between us did the toking,it was so much tat toking wasnt neccessay.

thru out the dream,i felt LOVE,i felt WARM,i felt SAVE,i felt extreme HAPPINESS.

****IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?****

if so,i've felt it,whats weird is that i didnt even see his face,which like what hui lin says may be a good thing.whatever it is,i couldnt stop thinking abt it the whole day, even after finding out that we missed the plane the next day and everyone was sulking and moody,i just thot of the dream and i felt the whole sensation again and was hapy again.hehe(bad me!)

Its been3 days since the dream,and my poor memory is failing me again,althou i can sort of remember the dream,i've forgotten the sensation.but i dun think i'd want to dream it again,i guess i'm just scared.coz as good as that feeling was,i could also feel some hidden danger,like a sucking machine,it felt dangerous.(i'm so DRAMA!)

oh and i went Night Safari yest nite,details, next post,need to slp now,tml got ICA!!haha and here i am dreaming!nite.

STUFF

To those whom i've upsetted this past 2 weeks.i'm deeply sorry,but watever i sad and done was wat i felt was right.i've got little friends,yes its true coz choose to.i dun go ard making friends wif just anyone.i choose my friends very carefully,coz once you're my friend.i'll work hard for that friendship and try my best to make sure it lasts a while.and hope at the end of the day,it goes both ways.
so i really hope nth changes in our friendship and that after everything,our friendship will grow only stronger and not otherwise.

now,speacially to my best friend,Yvonne Gui Xiang Yun.
PLs my dear sista,dun think too much now,just concentrate on your exams for now.when is it ending btw?we'll clear watever shit we have between us then alrite?and how can u say you're back at the same place??!you've got me, as always!and i dun even have a bf!so u have me all to yourself!and sis,you noe my mouth,when i cant think straight and am totallly filled with anger i say harsh stuff..and abt the bf,i'm sorry honey,but i've never liked joker,and i'll never like jabian as well.i dunno why lah,your bfs and i just cannot get along! n i'd like to think its not becoz of me,coz huilin feel the same way too.rite lindo??!!hahaha.Neway no matter how much i bitch abt u or how much crap i say at times,i love you babe,we've been thru much.4 yrs rite?dun worry,i'll still be ard when jabian(or whoever) and u get married with lindo,we'll be at the backseat,bitching abt you guys!! hahahaha

Aft my last post,i couldnt stop thinking and was stil very lost.Many have tried to lighten my mood,and guys i realli appreciate it.It was only a day later when i went for a drink at coffeebean with my dearest sister,p.ten i felt much clearer.i noe wat i want now.and i look forward to it.i look forward to my future.Not so much the coming week,but my life aft poly.i noe wat i want and i cant wait to pursue it!dun ask me wat it is!it'll be a surprise for everyone when that day comes.just be happy for me now guys that i'm feeling much better.to the others who are still lost,all i'll say is that we're still young!! come on now! we're onli 17!! so dun be so hard on yourself,finish watever you're doing,so at the end of the day,you've got either your a levels cert or diploma to relie on.and if u dont like wat u have done,do smt else! tats wat everyone's doing now.

As for now,I'M YOUNG AND I JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!!

Oh and tml i was supose to go to MindCafe to meet up wif The Poly Mates and BB's friends,whom to be honest i really wanted to meet,aft hearing soooooooooo much abt!but just yest mum,so casually told me that we're going on a Harbour Cruise to kusoo island(the land of turtles),to celebrate my uncles' birthday(they're twins).i was frustrated at first coz she only told me yest!!and i had already told B that i'll be coming,but i guess he understands and now that its tml!! i'm excited! haha,ten again sorry B..hopefulli i'll be able to take some photos ten i'll post them here!!oh and aft that.i'll be going clubbing wif p,with her friends to celebrate another bday!i'm gald i'll be busy!loooovvveee such days!

now,i've to go choose wat to wear...SIAN!

My Meaning

Its 4.52am on a tuesday morning and while trying very hard to slp i suddenly felt the urge to blog.
My minds bursting,too many thots that i think its abt time i type them dwn.

I've been reading this book 'tuesdays with Morrie' which btw,i strongly suggest everyone read because it got me thinking abt lots of stuff.So much so that my mind cant stop jumping from a thot to another tat i cant slp,and i cant read on anymore..not today at least.Its tiring but amazing how this book has made me shed a tear or two along the way,and its not becoz i'm sad at whats happening in the book,but rather wats happening in my life.Not so much so whats happeing,but what i'm not doing and how i've changed.How i'm making my life so..so...meaningless.yap,meaningless is the word.
what do i live for?wats my purpose?where have my dreams,goals gone to?why am i still swaying?and why do i always give the excuse to that as my youth.Its is during my youth that i build my future rite?!
Hui lin has a dream,she says its small,i've also commented it being small be4,but i take that back now,coz at least she has a dream.Big or Small a dream is a dream.its going to be tough,but to follow your heart is when you really live.So hui lin follow your heart, u have my support honey!(as always)

And so it got me thinking..

I'm in Maritime Transportation Management .and wat do i realli study??i have no idea ..Many have asked and i just answer with the names of the modules i do..Do i like it?i guess i can pass 3 years with it. what will i be doing aft poly?i noe i want a degree,but i'm not so sure i want to do anything related to the Maritime.i dunno..i'm just not passionate enough to want to study it again for what?3 years??i know i was extremely passionate abt being a lawyer when i was younger,and i've heard of Maritime Lawyers,so i thot,i'm in Maritime and i think i'd like to be lawyer so yah i can do that.
but on second thot,i've lost that passion to become a lawyer, i dun want to be fighting abt ships.i've got no passion.the lawyer thing was when i was..12?i'm abt to turn 17,i've grown and my views have grown and changed too.And now i'm lost..again.

A few days back i asked BB and Lewis what they wanted to do when they're older,BB said very confidently, "A maritime lawyer!!"Lewis on the other thot for a while"um..maybe..an entrupetur(inoeitsspelledwrongly!)"i just went "yah me too B"

Next thing thats keeping me from my bed is the situation with Lewis and Evon..my emotions concerning this mattter is mixed and weird.
one side is my bestfriend and the other is a friend whom i've known for only9 weeks and 2 days but are good buddies.I obviously noe who to side with and yet i'm angry,angry with evon.am i justified by feeling this way?Is it my fault that he got drunk and decided to cling to her?is it my fault and i invited him?...yah maybe its my fault he's my friend and i should have done smt.but i'm still upset with evon.i kinda feel violated in a way,coz if she tells her boyfriend this,..does it mean she tells her boyfriend everything i say to her?ok maybe not..how abt the times we have misunderstandings,will she straight away call her bf and tell him everything like she did that day?..whats more upseting is that she had to wait for her bf to message me asking to ask Lewis for an apology..i dunno which i find more disturbing..and when i asked if she wanted an apology her reply went smt like this "um..sort of..coz jabian's angry.sorry babe"it SORT OF angered me more!!!how do i explain how i feel??!!i'm pissed!i'm pissed with her bf also,but more so with evon,how did you expect your bf to react otherwise?!! its either u think i'm the worst bitch ass bestfriend on earth or u get my pt.tats it! no in between.N i'm confused who wants the apology more?evon?or her bf??!
Maybe tats how ppl act with their bfs,i duno i've never had such a serious relationship as evon has with her bf be4..what do i noe..
i noe Lewis shouldnt have done whatever he did.it was his bad and he shouldnt be taken lightly just becoz he was drunk,just coz someone's drunk,it doesnt give them the permission to kill another human being,yes i noe!!wl!!!i'm pissed at him too lah!

Ten theres another prob,i'm not close enuf to Lewis to ask him for apology bt i'll definitely do it,since everyone is so affected.once u tell me smt,i'll do it!
well i've learnt one lesson from this thou,and that is just coz both parties are my friends i cant expect both parties to get along..which is quite sad lah..but nvm.its me who's going to feel it.so watever.(got to stop doing that!)

On to other things,my mum got very upset with me yest,she says that i've got no control over my life and i'm not setting a very good example for my brother.She spoke my mind.I HAVE GOT NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!which is quite stupid becoz it is my life,not someone else's,so shouldnt i have control?!!wats worse is that i noe i've got no control and i'm not doing anything.i think tats worst.I've learnt from the bk i mentioned above theres a phrase for that and that is "A tension of opposites"which basicaly means 'You want to do one thing,but you are bound to do smt else.smt hurts ,yet u noe it shouldnt.(wat i'm going thru with evon)You take certain things for granted,even when u knw you should never take anything for granted(with your family maybe)'.i've been feeling the tensions of opposites lately,actually i think i've felt it all my life(we all have i guess..) but now that ive got a name,i feel it more.

Also i've been thinking..its gonna sound weird but i feel i'm not human enough..dont u sometimes feel like that we treat others worse ten animals.animals feel for each other,they have the sense enuf to do so..but smt we tend to act worse ten them?Like how we..um..lets see..tok behind someone's back,watch someone falling and instead of helping we laugh..i feel i'm not human enuf coz i dun feel enuf,i used to.. alot,i used to love more freely too,but now i've just got used to the 'watever' attitude.i got used to so much stuff that i stop feeling for so much more.I need to stop this cycle,save myself,free myself.i need a control.i need to help more.i need to love more.make a difference if possible.(i'm not toking abt ending world poverty,but rather the small differences,like for an example,doing what i've always wanted to do,volunteer!)tats my meaning in life.tats what i need to get back.

Its 6.27am now.haha i took so long! too many thots,the ones above are only half of them!have to go now!brother is pestering me for nasi lemak breakfast at elias mall..

(ps)i'm not emo!just very..thoutful lately.

The horrible week

Ive been sick for over 3 days.from monday till wednesday and still am alittle now.My bones ached so bad,even while seating in the car and going over a bump,i would cringed in pain..The doc told me not to take my med for fever today and if my fever still doesnt go dwn i'll have to go to the hos to get a blood test coz i may have dengy..but i feel alot better today.thanks everyone,for your well-wishers.and thanks BB for all your prayers.
i missed so much while i was sick,its was like as if i was in another world,all i did everyday slp and the onli times i woke up was when my phone vibrated beside me or when my mum woke me up to take my med,i hardly ate anything and i constantly felt like shit..
my sickness coulnt have come at a better time..

• my exam is next week and i will onli be able to attend one day of this so called revision week..
• yest was the Juggy D bhangra nite and is said to be one of the most happening ones the entire year and was what i have been waiting for so dam long and didnt get to go..FUCK!
• evon for one of the very rare occasions asked me out and the others too and i couldnt go..
• D,asked me for a movie and i couldnt even get out of bed..
• I,asked me to meet her at ma hse, cos she wanted to discuss smt important wif me..and of coz i didnt go..
• my cousin had like a tour in sp for one whole day and i wasnt in sch to see him..

It sucks alot that when i was alrite or when its now,that i'm alrite nth like this happen,why??!! why is it so sucking unfair....
nvm lah i cant change the past..leave for tml the future not for yesterday,the past..
oh well..
i feel i have grown,in the past when i didnt go school i'd feel like i missed alot of the happenings in class,or i'd be left behind,not with studies but among my friends.but now,i just dont care anymore.i dun care if i have friends anot,i dun care if i get left behind or not..becoz i noe there are two groups of ppl, that i dun have to put up a pretence with or have to fear that they'll leave me behind,one is my honeys and the other is family.and i'm extremely satisfied and blessed to have them with me.

not gonna tok abt it..

i feel like dying,crying or better hiding my body in mud.smt came over me,took over my emotions,must be the lack of slp.i regret it so much that when i think back at it i feel like vomiting,i got my answer..i need to move on.i need to push myself like how i've always have.
i wont be getting attached or looking at guys for a while,i just want to...i'm not too sure either..i want to just seat back and watch guys ask girls for their no.watch girls get excited when a hot guy walks pass.watch how couples look at each other.
i feel like crap,and p's not going india with me tml either making me feel worse.god tats it!!

NO MORE A!!!

its dangerous to sms A in the tain,everytime i read his message there'll be this huge looney smile on my face and i feel all dumb so i quickly hide it and i can feel like my face getting hot.its so EMBARRASSING!!

shit i'm toking abt him again!

Malaysia trip!

can i just start of by saying that i do NOT love a.its not like that.
ok i'll make a promise to myself here alrite,if i dun get attached in poly at all and so doesnt he(has to count one year after his jc life also),i'll ask him if he ever liked me,only ten will be be able to decide wat to do.

neway today BB didnt come school and i was so bored,couldnt really concentrate(sorry BB) becoz the guy tat sat beside me couldnt stop yaking and yaking..i tried my best and even told him to shut up,but he didnt quite get it.so BB now u noe why i need to seat beside u! haha no lah,its my fault i need to have more will power!stronger will power!

ok theres this guy T in my class and his situation is somewhat similar to mine.
he's quite close to this girl whom he constantly messages and was frm the same secondary school as he was.so when i ask if he likes her he said yes but is afraid of commitment.then i start thinking is that wat a also thinks...then again we have never toked abt commitment or him being afraid of it or watever so cannot be.ten i ask if he knows if she likes him he says he thinks so.see similar to me rite!their abiguous relationship..i hate it.
then today,he asks me to follow him to the tennis court to check out the girls..i try not to judge and say too much since i hardly know this guy,but i'm thinking would a do such things as well..most prob.i've told P be4,its much easier for guys to find girls in the same institute coz u spent so much time together that the feeling just grow,thus i noe my promise above will never be accomplised coz i now a will find someone.after all guys are guys,they're too lazy to keep a relationship that needs alot of work.they rather go for something easier.

A 's sick today,and so i was messaging him,he has ever told me abt this girl phoebe,whom he knows likes him and the whole class is trying their best to fixed them up and thus makes my point above stronger that he'll get someone.so yeah i was mess him asking if he's all rite and all and suddenly he tells me that the phobe girl messaged him asking if he's alrite so i swollowed my jealousy and replied with this"so u happy lah,haha"haha my ass!! and his reply was no lah just surprised..i dunno wat to make out of that but yeah..i dun wat to assume..bt wtf did he have to tell me??i dun want to noe asshole!

neway h is sick,BB is sick,a is sick! i dun want to be sick!! its the worst feeling ever! PLs do get well ppl,and let me know if i can help.

Ps:hui lin,u noe i'll never choose him over u!!are u crazy! i love u honey and tats final and first!so always remember that and yes i have promised myself this along time ago,my family first,friends second,bf third,he will have to get along with them to get along with me,FULL STOP!

PPs: ppl i want to plan a malaysia trip this year,anywhere is malaysia,interested parties let me know,coz i want to start planning,and oh yes,anyone can comment now!

PPPs: i will make sure a is not in my next post.sorry ppl.i noe its annoying..

crap.

i toked to him last nite!!woopppeeyyyy!!! all nite last nite i looked forward to his call.when it came i sounded like a girl who went to disneyland or an astronaunt who reached mars/moon or watever that makes them extremely fucking happy.

i know i've been toking abt him very much lately,tats coz i think of him more now.

neway o to other things,there was this assignment that i had to do online but as usual i couldnt find it so after asking my friend and finding it out exactly and all,i decided to check it out.when i went it,i was told tat i only had 1hr to finish and bla bla,i quickly went out coz i freaked coz i haven studies yet and now i cant get acess to it anymore.i am so screwed!!

Ps:BB,thanks for taking care of me in class,really appreciate your help so far!and yes i'm getting used to your freakyness! haha.

Pps:when are we going out next girls??

a!!

my sms conver with a.

me:"...so got miss me anot.so long never meet.."
**this was at 11 plus in the night just be4 my movie started,so i was abit high,and i was missing him alot.but just after pressing the send button,i regretted it and wanted to kick myself for being so stupidly brave,wtf did i do that,why did i make myself sound so bloody cheap..i waited for abt 3-4 hrs,dying,thinking of the worst possible replies but most importantly,why wasnt he replying??!!!**

Him:"um...more or less .u?"
**wtf was that suppose to mean??feeling absoultly pissed and happy at the same time i replied with this.**

me:"psycho ah!!! i miss u??in your dreams lah!why u still awake?"
**couldnt i have thrown the "i miss u like hell"message across his face anymore clearer!**

then we just moved away from that topic..

its 4.40am,sunday morning now.and i just finished toking to him on the phone.i gurantee that as a friend,i can always trust him and depend on him for anything and i am very sure that he will always be there for me,but anything more i'm not sure..
plus he was telling me abt this girl that he thinks likes him and i was pushing him to go for her..wat is wrong with me man,like realli,i was pushing him..but i seriously dunno how to react otherwise,wat am i supose to say??ask him to ask her to eat shit?i'm only good at toking but not pushing for things for myself.

i'm sleeping now.toking in circles and i want to watch 200 pounds beauty so good nite.

My Dream

i woke up today,feeling empty and weird.

I dreamt of a last night.
And it went smt like this.

hui lin me and evon were in a huge hot tub in a's huge huge hse.my entire family even my extended one was there.they were there to see a's parents and stuff.and i and my 2 best mates were in a toilet in a bath tub..
a entertained everyone but never said a word to me and i weirdly could see him from the toilet and he looked pressured like he was hiding smt.but he was really nice to everybody and everyone was having a ball including p,while i was sulking in the toilet with e&h.then it ended.

Why am i thinking so much??wat did that mean??i'm so weird, when he messages me,i give-i couldnt be bothered- answers and when he doesnt i'm like maybe i should have done this or that.but the thing is,i know i dun want a relationship now ten why this?and i dun even have a hint abt how he feels for me..

during the day,i didnt think much abt it and was rather happy.i still have the insecurities but i'm like fuck it,my family is there.

i've got my first real test on the 10th of may.and its on microsoft excel! can someone just fucking shoot me!...nvm there's the 4th to look forward,the day i'll watch my favorite play,phantom of the opera..woopey!!!

To Hui lin: i have nth against indians,i am one so how can i have anything against another.i just think the guy that u like looks very imature not my kind can!and i was shock becoz i never expected u to like indians,u get my drift??

To P:i know u'll prob think i'll never understand your situation and i wont say i do for the sake of making u feel better either.but i do,or rather i did,last year.when i went thru u noe wat and had to seek mama's help.i was going thru that same feeling.i'll be there for u now p,and dun worry,dun think you'll never get out of it coz u will.pray p,pray.its the first step.

25/4/07..26-4/07

its wednesday.and i love wednesday coz its mean i start school t 10.30 and end at 2!woopey!(its gonna be a long post, do bare with me)

i had so much fun at theatre(watever Lindo)yest.i think it'll be one of the best ccas i ever had.the ppl there are so welcoming,friendly,nice,really cool and open and its like i found my place,my heart felt so at peace there.
however i dunno wat hui lin sees in the guys there.didnt see anyone looking good,all were so friendly that i was more taken in by their hearts then their looks.oh and also becoz my feet was soooooo dirty,i was more preoccupied trying to hide them ten doing anything else.hahaha.but seriously i hope every week will be as fun or better,more fun ten yest; impossible.

ok coming back to today,my class starts at 10.30,i reached at 11.the class wasnt so important so okay lah.when i entered the room,my lect was like "sam,why so late?" my ans..."*smiles**flush flush* hehehe..(in my softest voice)i overslept" then i almost ran to my seat.hahahaha and my entire class witnessed this,dam shyyo can!!i only had my half hr of lesson left so thank god!
then we went off to eat,dunno why,in school i've very small apetide,so i ate fries and was done.ten next class was at 12 and its was financial accounting,one of my favorites,cause it deals with money and maths and it makes u think like a business person,very nice.ten i ended early at 1.30.
so a bunch of us decided to go to moberly,its this place where u can play pool,slack at their cafe,sing at the karaok place,play at their lan room,have bbqs.its basicaly very popular among the spians.We wanted to play pool, ten head to the cafe,but when we reached the pool room we were told that the whole place was taken up for the trials for the pool cca,so we decided to head to the cafe straight.
We actually have this thing all of SMA and Business school's first year students are suppose to attend,at 4.30! but smt told me that it'll be a waste of time and i wanted to enjoy my early day off,so i left at 2.(the thing indeed was a waste of time)
I was initially suppose to go for my medical report ten meet hui lin to go collect our certs but my dear P asked me out for lunch and i cant say no.I hate that abt me,i can never say no to my love ones(which are few,,but still!!),i hate it becoz i'm so afraid that i'll in the end be very hurt when they dun do the same back to me.i guess i have to stop expecting,the less i expect the less i feel,the less i'll hurt.yap,i shall do tat.

so P and i decided to meet at vivo,since i was there first,i went to sit at the green seats outside marks n spencer.As i was seating and enjoying my peach tea and looking at the ppl ard me...my eyes caught smt,at the oposite seat, there was this ah pek kind of guy happily digging his nose!!!!okay he wasnt all smiling and all,but the way he digged like he couldnt give a fucking dam abt the world,made me wanna laugh my butt off and puke at the same time! okay let me try my best to describe it.
1)he put two fingers of his in one nostril(yes the dam holes were huge,maybe due to numerous diggings)
2)find some boogey that's stuck
3)with the 2 fingers in the nostril, pull the boogey out with lots of force like pulling out stabler bullet from paper.
4)had a nice look at it
5)finally throwong it at the place beside him(i can almost swore that i saw a slight smirk)

i was at vivo!!and i got alittle worried abt my seat so i said alittle prayer and quickly messaged P to hurry her ass her so i could show her the guilty digger.but she missed it.

we decided to head to our personal favortie,the hongkong cafe.ate some curry thing which was new but dam awesome!!Next we went to Ben N jerry's,been craving for awhile.then it was shopping time!!,i have never used shopping as a cure for my heart ache or escape from any problems,coz it never worked,but when i went shopping with p,i realised at the end of it ten i didnt think abt my problems at all and had loads n loads of fun.
Me:rambling non-stop like a machine
P:just noddin with the occasionally opening of mouth.
But overall had tons of fun.thanks to P.

ok firstly we went to(shit i forget the name!!),didnt buy anything from there and we spent like wat,almost an 1hr in there(okay im exagerating)ten we went to Pull and Bear and spent an even longer time there,going in and out of the changing room coz they have a really stupid policy of "NO 2 PPL IN A CUBICLE"how fucking stupid is that??what he hell do they think i'm going to do?rape my own P or wat?? i realli dun see the logic.In the end i bought 2 tops and so did p,the best part is,she gave me her tops to bring home!!woopey!so i've got 4 tops thou only temporary but still!!.

ps.i'm sorry p,the tops didnt work for u,maybe its just me.but this doesnt mean that our bet made in sunway is over!

ten i quickly rushed hme.and was actualy typing this half way,when mimi asked me to go Giant with her.so its 1am of26/4/07 now,n i'm typing this and am dead tired.

oh and yes,a and i are drifting apart,i guess i'm partly to be blamed becoz i was expecting this and when u expect smt,your actions will sort of make it happen.happy now hui lin?? haha.i'm not sad or anything, like i've said less feeling,less hurt..

ah!! i have so much to say that i dont want to say anything.i'm such a lazy bitch.ok heres a little smt.school's alrite,was tough but i'm hanging the hang of things.Friends are ok.Home's a mess.Family's fine.Best mates are rocky.ok lah tats it i'm bored

ps.anyone who compares poly life with jc life will be screwed by me.i did warn.

FACTS OF LIFE

YOU CAN NEVER BE A BESTFRIEND TO A GIRL WHO'S IN A RELATIONSHIP.

PERIOD.

I've been postponing my entry for a while because i have so much to say that typing them down,seems scary!.

yesterday was my school's orientation and i had to be in school by 8,woke up at 6 and nearly died,met hui lin at 7 plus plus and had breakfast,reached school only at 8.45.My director was already inside and so i couldnt enter,after hanging ard like a loser outside with the rest of the latecomers,they allowed us entry but we had to sit on the floor behind all the chairs in the oh-so-huge auditorium.sian.i couldnt see anything at the front and got really bored.was taking to some guys beside me when this girl beside me starting talking to me.From her accent it was pretty obvious she came from china,and we became friends.(she has become my closest friend in my school,so far by the way)We hit it off from the start,she is fucking hilarious and she stays at tampines and went to coral sec,wat a coincidence..During the break,we were just eating and taking, with many of my fellow campers coming up to ask how i was doing which was nice,when a bunch of girls came by our table and asked(btw,my friend's name is jasmine) jasmine if she was of china origins.And so i made a whole other bunch of China friends.They were really nice and took real good care of me especailly jasmine and i felt so at home.
and so the day went by with me trying to understand them and vise versa.

Initially,we were only told that we only had to come school on monday for this week but in the end,i had to come back again today,to learn how to use my laptop,which was completely wasted coz i cant get access to my school's wireless from my laptop because of some shitass reason..but thank god it was only for abt 2hr plus.
ten i met P at her school,ate the very famous chocolate waffle,tat was awesome awesme awesome.Then after slacking for a while, we decided to head to vivocity to makan and asked J along.i must say i had a blast,it was uber fun and i love vivocity,its my new favourite hangout place,i noe i'm so out but watever.i love the chocolate factory and love love love the candy empire!!! i want jellly beans!!!We had the, sort of foodcourt food,its not the kopitiam its the other one.and had ben and jerry's which was awesome,to burn off the food,we played at the playground,which was btw fucking fun and funny!!! i nearly sent P flying off the swing thingi.hahahahahaha.those two were great fun lah.babes we need to do this more often okay.

My status with A is weird,i realised this only after P brought my attention to it.
She went like this,"eh dont u think its werid that you and A talk everyday and you guys are not in a relationship,you dont even do this with your friends"i was speechless.

When we talk there is nth romantic or watever,its just friend to friend,very normal.and even if we do not talk everyday,we'll message.

The thing i dont understand is why is he still with me? as in talking to me and messing me??HE firstly is ready in a jc,which means he's surrounded with girls which was diff in the past,and he has a shit load of friends from all walks of life.Next,he has experienced much more in life ten i have.and he is very very different from me.So much so that one of the main reasons i decided to go for my orientation camp was to have one thing in common with him,which was the experience of camping which he does very freqently.
Why is he still with me?there is nth specail abt me,i'm not the most funnest person,i'm not the funniest person,im not the preetiest,i'm just normal me,compared to him,with all his friends and his adventurous life,i look bland.we are so fucking diff and have absolutely nth in common(i have tried finding)and yet he's with me.

why??i feel like asking but cant seem to be able to bring myself to..how?hai.

The Hostel

my first night at NUS.

When i was leaving my home,i took a moment to look back at my room, and i knew from then on that i wont be spending so much time in it and i'm gonna miss it alot.i'll miss having my own room,my own space and my own bed.But sacrifices have to be made and i'll get use to it.

The room is extremely small,smaller then my room of cause,but its cozy and the best part is its not home,i know i'm contridicting myself but those who know me will understand my condition.Its nice overall.And theres a cafe,minimart all downstairs,best of all>a 24 hrs roti prata shop nearby! my heaven.haha.

Went to meet P's friends and saw their rooms,loved kutu's room,with aircon,toilet and gorgeous flooring,love it lah.honestly spaeking,compared to it,i frankly think the one i'm staying in looks like a storeroom,but nvm i'll make it nicer,i still love so watever.
Neway it was my first time meeting kutu and the first thing she said to me was.."hey! so you're the emo sister!"what i did next was to send dagger stares at P and then turn back to her smile.
although i've heard so much abt her, i was still pleasantly surprised by how down-to-earth she is and how easy it was to talk to her.A truly pleasant and charming lady.

Just came back from washing up for the night at the main toilet,its not bad, quite clean.hopefully,no one tries to fight for the toilet with me in the morning.

its oreadi 4 and i'm suppose to wake up at 8..fuck.i wont be looking anyway near good tml.but who cares..

Last but not least i want to wish P and myself a very good,peaceful,fun,awesome and totally cool stay here.And P i love uuu!!!

Ps:lindo,come and stay with us alrite??ask your mum and get back to me and we'll have slumber parties all the time! haha.i love u honey,see u soon!

Ppl

Being at home makes me depressed and angry.dont know wats wrong with me.
However i love being with P at ma hse.feel so wonderfully free,refreshed,independant and seriously happy!The best pat is that i have regained my love for kids over the past few day after spending so much time with taneisha,i like kids as long as they they are not able to speak yet.After that it gets difficult because u have to explain everything..haha .bitch.

Went shopping with hui lin once again.i love that girl,she makes me feel so light hearted care-free and responsible,because shes so small i always feel the want/need to protect my darling.

Over this past holidays,i have realised that i have grown closer to some ppl and have gone apart from others.one person i've grown closer is hui lin.I have to admit smt,when i was still schooling in prcs,i was not really close to hui lin and i totally underastimated her and i now feel that i have judged her alot and judged wrongly that is.However i thank God that i had this chance to actually know her for who she is.

And my darling, had intended to say so much abt you,but the words arnt coming out..What i shall say is that during this past few months i have seen a whole differant side of u i have never seen be4 and never thot u were capable of.i have become attached to u and thank for not making my holidays not as boring as it was initially(during the time u were working).i love u honey!

For those i have grown apart from,i have nth to say,,maybe it was my fault maybe it was yours,no one's to be blames only fate knows wats install for us.But what i must say is this:when my school starts,ten i wont be the one asking to go anymore and wont be the one getting rejected,it'll be you,because i planned to be very busy.i'm not being revengeful but the truth is such.

On to other things,i'll be staying at P's hostel at clementi tml because of my camp on thur,it'll be easier for me.so i'll be missing from paris for the next few days.

i'm anxious for my camp,A says that he'll be there for anything,and P is just nearby and my darling has already given her support but i'm still anxious you know..it'll be my first camp alone.first camp this long.first camp where i know only myself.

God,
do help me.

The Day

today was a super chill out day.
taught D chinese in the afternoon which i absolutely hate coz i noe i'm not teaching the right thing at times...yah yah,i noe..

in the night,or rather early early morning,at ard 1am,P and me went to her friend's chalet.which was uber funny.thou there were times of awkwardness,there was also times of absolute fun.the thing i liked most was the fact tat we were treated really well,like ladies. eg.we were fetched and sent back.i noe it sounds ridiculous but they cared enough to not want us going back home alone at 5 am.like how i would expect from a guy my age.But the thing i didn't like was that this 2 guys decided to sent us back home to our door step..what can i say man..guys..

sometimes.i really envy p a whole lot.i envy the fact that she can carry a conversation with an absolute stranger,okay not carry but actually start and continue toking..when it comes to me,my mind goes blank..it seems like this kind of stuff happens only when i'm with her coz i depend on her so much!!

i need a change,change of environment and ppl!how>>

Stuff

i had such an awesome, awesome time.its like when u miss some ppl so much,nth else matters like the fact tat i practically only slept for 4 plus hrs.i really wanted to see them,to distract me from The Fy.

the stress is building.
the space is getting suffocating.

watever tat happened today was waiting to happen.i knew it was coming..but i was hoping for things to get better.which obviously didnt happen.

the thing is,i couldnt cry after wat happened,but my eyes hurt,they hurt so much tat it felt like i've been actually brawling for a long time.

my heart just broke i guess.

school's starting and my issues are only growing.wtf!
the good thing is however tat i'm actually excited abt school coz ten i'll be able to have my mind concentrating on smt other ten my growing issues.

i know i've disappointed p time and time again and yet her faith in me never lessens.
she fights for my rights and was/is there whenever i needed.p was always a call away.someone i had confidences in tat will always have my back and would come to my aid whenever needed..

i apologise for what happened today and everytime i do stuff like tat,i bite myself 4 being like tat..

i want to to do really well. i want it for myself but more so i want to do it for her.for her to at least once be proud of me.and smile looking in my eye with pride.

How to say goodbye to someone i need to but dun want to.

so how realli??

1. by stop replying the person's messages?


2. by being mean and rude?


3. or by just plainly saying " i need a time-out."

theres just one prob with the last option,the person is not my boyfriend.

another thing is i dont even noe if this decision was made by my head or heart,wat i do noe tat is was made by me and i'm going to follow thru..somehow.

on a totalli diff note: it was my mother's bday yest! and we had a whole lot of fun since it was a surprise party.

the night be4 was a disaster,and the day after,a success..god works in weird ways..

was feeling uber bad the day be4 my mum's bday, was a total body mulfunction but i had to be there for my dear friends who came for me.hl and eg, u guys can never fail me.i was just thinking the other day,if there were ppl out of my family,whom i can trust to depend on,it would be the two of u! thanks alot.for everyting.and for the years of friendship and many more to come!.

coming back to my first thot,i think all i actually want is male support.no i'm not exactly desperate and all but just the thot of knowing tat there is tat special someone who cares for me..well..just warms my heart........wat am i saying lah?!!i sound in love! haha no i'm definately not.

wat i do noe is tat i have not found tat in tat person.unfortunately.