To those whom i've upsetted this past 2 weeks.i'm deeply sorry,but watever i sad and done was wat i felt was right.i've got little friends,yes its true coz choose to.i dun go ard making friends wif just anyone.i choose my friends very carefully,coz once you're my friend.i'll work hard for that friendship and try my best to make sure it lasts a while.and hope at the end of the day,it goes both ways.
so i really hope nth changes in our friendship and that after everything,our friendship will grow only stronger and not otherwise.
now,speacially to my best friend,Yvonne Gui Xiang Yun.
PLs my dear sista,dun think too much now,just concentrate on your exams for now.when is it ending btw?we'll clear watever shit we have between us then alrite?and how can u say you're back at the same place??!you've got me, as always!and i dun even have a bf!so u have me all to yourself!and sis,you noe my mouth,when i cant think straight and am totallly filled with anger i say harsh stuff..and abt the bf,i'm sorry honey,but i've never liked joker,and i'll never like jabian as well.i dunno why lah,your bfs and i just cannot get along! n i'd like to think its not becoz of me,coz huilin feel the same way too.rite lindo??!!hahaha.Neway no matter how much i bitch abt u or how much crap i say at times,i love you babe,we've been thru much.4 yrs rite?dun worry,i'll still be ard when jabian(or whoever) and u get married with lindo,we'll be at the backseat,bitching abt you guys!! hahahaha
Aft my last post,i couldnt stop thinking and was stil very lost.Many have tried to lighten my mood,and guys i realli appreciate it.It was only a day later when i went for a drink at coffeebean with my dearest sister,p.ten i felt much clearer.i noe wat i want now.and i look forward to it.i look forward to my future.Not so much the coming week,but my life aft poly.i noe wat i want and i cant wait to pursue it!dun ask me wat it is!it'll be a surprise for everyone when that day comes.just be happy for me now guys that i'm feeling much better.to the others who are still lost,all i'll say is that we're still young!! come on now! we're onli 17!! so dun be so hard on yourself,finish watever you're doing,so at the end of the day,you've got either your a levels cert or diploma to relie on.and if u dont like wat u have done,do smt else! tats wat everyone's doing now.
As for now,I'M YOUNG AND I JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!!
Oh and tml i was supose to go to MindCafe to meet up wif The Poly Mates and BB's friends,whom to be honest i really wanted to meet,aft hearing soooooooooo much abt!but just yest mum,so casually told me that we're going on a Harbour Cruise to kusoo island(the land of turtles),to celebrate my uncles' birthday(they're twins).i was frustrated at first coz she only told me yest!!and i had already told B that i'll be coming,but i guess he understands and now that its tml!! i'm excited! haha,ten again sorry B..hopefulli i'll be able to take some photos ten i'll post them here!!oh and aft that.i'll be going clubbing wif p,with her friends to celebrate another bday!i'm gald i'll be busy!loooovvveee such days!
now,i've to go choose wat to wear...SIAN!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
My Meaning
Its 4.52am on a tuesday morning and while trying very hard to slp i suddenly felt the urge to blog.
My minds bursting,too many thots that i think its abt time i type them dwn.
I've been reading this book 'tuesdays with Morrie' which btw,i strongly suggest everyone read because it got me thinking abt lots of stuff.So much so that my mind cant stop jumping from a thot to another tat i cant slp,and i cant read on anymore..not today at least.Its tiring but amazing how this book has made me shed a tear or two along the way,and its not becoz i'm sad at whats happening in the book,but rather wats happening in my life.Not so much so whats happeing,but what i'm not doing and how i've changed.How i'm making my life so..so...meaningless.yap,meaningless is the word.
what do i live for?wats my purpose?where have my dreams,goals gone to?why am i still swaying?and why do i always give the excuse to that as my youth.Its is during my youth that i build my future rite?!
Hui lin has a dream,she says its small,i've also commented it being small be4,but i take that back now,coz at least she has a dream.Big or Small a dream is a dream.its going to be tough,but to follow your heart is when you really live.So hui lin follow your heart, u have my support honey!(as always)
And so it got me thinking..
I'm in Maritime Transportation Management .and wat do i realli study??i have no idea ..Many have asked and i just answer with the names of the modules i do..Do i like it?i guess i can pass 3 years with it. what will i be doing aft poly?i noe i want a degree,but i'm not so sure i want to do anything related to the Maritime.i dunno..i'm just not passionate enough to want to study it again for what?3 years??i know i was extremely passionate abt being a lawyer when i was younger,and i've heard of Maritime Lawyers,so i thot,i'm in Maritime and i think i'd like to be lawyer so yah i can do that.
but on second thot,i've lost that passion to become a lawyer, i dun want to be fighting abt ships.i've got no passion.the lawyer thing was when i was..12?i'm abt to turn 17,i've grown and my views have grown and changed too.And now i'm lost..again.
A few days back i asked BB and Lewis what they wanted to do when they're older,BB said very confidently, "A maritime lawyer!!"Lewis on the other thot for a while"um..maybe..an entrupetur(inoeitsspelledwrongly!)"i just went "yah me too B"
Next thing thats keeping me from my bed is the situation with Lewis and Evon..my emotions concerning this mattter is mixed and weird.
one side is my bestfriend and the other is a friend whom i've known for only9 weeks and 2 days but are good buddies.I obviously noe who to side with and yet i'm angry,angry with evon.am i justified by feeling this way?Is it my fault that he got drunk and decided to cling to her?is it my fault and i invited him?...yah maybe its my fault he's my friend and i should have done smt.but i'm still upset with evon.i kinda feel violated in a way,coz if she tells her boyfriend this,..does it mean she tells her boyfriend everything i say to her?ok maybe not..how abt the times we have misunderstandings,will she straight away call her bf and tell him everything like she did that day?..whats more upseting is that she had to wait for her bf to message me asking to ask Lewis for an apology..i dunno which i find more disturbing..and when i asked if she wanted an apology her reply went smt like this "um..sort of..coz jabian's angry.sorry babe"it SORT OF angered me more!!!how do i explain how i feel??!!i'm pissed!i'm pissed with her bf also,but more so with evon,how did you expect your bf to react otherwise?!! its either u think i'm the worst bitch ass bestfriend on earth or u get my pt.tats it! no in between.N i'm confused who wants the apology more?evon?or her bf??!
Maybe tats how ppl act with their bfs,i duno i've never had such a serious relationship as evon has with her bf be4..what do i noe..
i noe Lewis shouldnt have done whatever he did.it was his bad and he shouldnt be taken lightly just becoz he was drunk,just coz someone's drunk,it doesnt give them the permission to kill another human being,yes i noe!!wl!!!i'm pissed at him too lah!
Ten theres another prob,i'm not close enuf to Lewis to ask him for apology bt i'll definitely do it,since everyone is so affected.once u tell me smt,i'll do it!
well i've learnt one lesson from this thou,and that is just coz both parties are my friends i cant expect both parties to get along..which is quite sad lah..but nvm.its me who's going to feel it.so watever.(got to stop doing that!)
On to other things,my mum got very upset with me yest,she says that i've got no control over my life and i'm not setting a very good example for my brother.She spoke my mind.I HAVE GOT NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!which is quite stupid becoz it is my life,not someone else's,so shouldnt i have control?!!wats worse is that i noe i've got no control and i'm not doing anything.i think tats worst.I've learnt from the bk i mentioned above theres a phrase for that and that is "A tension of opposites"which basicaly means 'You want to do one thing,but you are bound to do smt else.smt hurts ,yet u noe it shouldnt.(wat i'm going thru with evon)You take certain things for granted,even when u knw you should never take anything for granted(with your family maybe)'.i've been feeling the tensions of opposites lately,actually i think i've felt it all my life(we all have i guess..) but now that ive got a name,i feel it more.
Also i've been thinking..its gonna sound weird but i feel i'm not human enough..dont u sometimes feel like that we treat others worse ten animals.animals feel for each other,they have the sense enuf to do so..but smt we tend to act worse ten them?Like how we..um..lets see..tok behind someone's back,watch someone falling and instead of helping we laugh..i feel i'm not human enuf coz i dun feel enuf,i used to.. alot,i used to love more freely too,but now i've just got used to the 'watever' attitude.i got used to so much stuff that i stop feeling for so much more.I need to stop this cycle,save myself,free myself.i need a control.i need to help more.i need to love more.make a difference if possible.(i'm not toking abt ending world poverty,but rather the small differences,like for an example,doing what i've always wanted to do,volunteer!)tats my meaning in life.tats what i need to get back.
Its 6.27am now.haha i took so long! too many thots,the ones above are only half of them!have to go now!brother is pestering me for nasi lemak breakfast at elias mall..
(ps)i'm not emo!just very..thoutful lately.
My minds bursting,too many thots that i think its abt time i type them dwn.
I've been reading this book 'tuesdays with Morrie' which btw,i strongly suggest everyone read because it got me thinking abt lots of stuff.So much so that my mind cant stop jumping from a thot to another tat i cant slp,and i cant read on anymore..not today at least.Its tiring but amazing how this book has made me shed a tear or two along the way,and its not becoz i'm sad at whats happening in the book,but rather wats happening in my life.Not so much so whats happeing,but what i'm not doing and how i've changed.How i'm making my life so..so...meaningless.yap,meaningless is the word.
what do i live for?wats my purpose?where have my dreams,goals gone to?why am i still swaying?and why do i always give the excuse to that as my youth.Its is during my youth that i build my future rite?!
Hui lin has a dream,she says its small,i've also commented it being small be4,but i take that back now,coz at least she has a dream.Big or Small a dream is a dream.its going to be tough,but to follow your heart is when you really live.So hui lin follow your heart, u have my support honey!(as always)
And so it got me thinking..
I'm in Maritime Transportation Management .and wat do i realli study??i have no idea ..Many have asked and i just answer with the names of the modules i do..Do i like it?i guess i can pass 3 years with it. what will i be doing aft poly?i noe i want a degree,but i'm not so sure i want to do anything related to the Maritime.i dunno..i'm just not passionate enough to want to study it again for what?3 years??i know i was extremely passionate abt being a lawyer when i was younger,and i've heard of Maritime Lawyers,so i thot,i'm in Maritime and i think i'd like to be lawyer so yah i can do that.
but on second thot,i've lost that passion to become a lawyer, i dun want to be fighting abt ships.i've got no passion.the lawyer thing was when i was..12?i'm abt to turn 17,i've grown and my views have grown and changed too.And now i'm lost..again.
A few days back i asked BB and Lewis what they wanted to do when they're older,BB said very confidently, "A maritime lawyer!!"Lewis on the other thot for a while"um..maybe..an entrupetur(inoeitsspelledwrongly!)"i just went "yah me too B"
Next thing thats keeping me from my bed is the situation with Lewis and Evon..my emotions concerning this mattter is mixed and weird.
one side is my bestfriend and the other is a friend whom i've known for only9 weeks and 2 days but are good buddies.I obviously noe who to side with and yet i'm angry,angry with evon.am i justified by feeling this way?Is it my fault that he got drunk and decided to cling to her?is it my fault and i invited him?...yah maybe its my fault he's my friend and i should have done smt.but i'm still upset with evon.i kinda feel violated in a way,coz if she tells her boyfriend this,..does it mean she tells her boyfriend everything i say to her?ok maybe not..how abt the times we have misunderstandings,will she straight away call her bf and tell him everything like she did that day?..whats more upseting is that she had to wait for her bf to message me asking to ask Lewis for an apology..i dunno which i find more disturbing..and when i asked if she wanted an apology her reply went smt like this "um..sort of..coz jabian's angry.sorry babe"it SORT OF angered me more!!!how do i explain how i feel??!!i'm pissed!i'm pissed with her bf also,but more so with evon,how did you expect your bf to react otherwise?!! its either u think i'm the worst bitch ass bestfriend on earth or u get my pt.tats it! no in between.N i'm confused who wants the apology more?evon?or her bf??!
Maybe tats how ppl act with their bfs,i duno i've never had such a serious relationship as evon has with her bf be4..what do i noe..
i noe Lewis shouldnt have done whatever he did.it was his bad and he shouldnt be taken lightly just becoz he was drunk,just coz someone's drunk,it doesnt give them the permission to kill another human being,yes i noe!!wl!!!i'm pissed at him too lah!
Ten theres another prob,i'm not close enuf to Lewis to ask him for apology bt i'll definitely do it,since everyone is so affected.once u tell me smt,i'll do it!
well i've learnt one lesson from this thou,and that is just coz both parties are my friends i cant expect both parties to get along..which is quite sad lah..but nvm.its me who's going to feel it.so watever.(got to stop doing that!)
On to other things,my mum got very upset with me yest,she says that i've got no control over my life and i'm not setting a very good example for my brother.She spoke my mind.I HAVE GOT NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!which is quite stupid becoz it is my life,not someone else's,so shouldnt i have control?!!wats worse is that i noe i've got no control and i'm not doing anything.i think tats worst.I've learnt from the bk i mentioned above theres a phrase for that and that is "A tension of opposites"which basicaly means 'You want to do one thing,but you are bound to do smt else.smt hurts ,yet u noe it shouldnt.(wat i'm going thru with evon)You take certain things for granted,even when u knw you should never take anything for granted(with your family maybe)'.i've been feeling the tensions of opposites lately,actually i think i've felt it all my life(we all have i guess..) but now that ive got a name,i feel it more.
Also i've been thinking..its gonna sound weird but i feel i'm not human enough..dont u sometimes feel like that we treat others worse ten animals.animals feel for each other,they have the sense enuf to do so..but smt we tend to act worse ten them?Like how we..um..lets see..tok behind someone's back,watch someone falling and instead of helping we laugh..i feel i'm not human enuf coz i dun feel enuf,i used to.. alot,i used to love more freely too,but now i've just got used to the 'watever' attitude.i got used to so much stuff that i stop feeling for so much more.I need to stop this cycle,save myself,free myself.i need a control.i need to help more.i need to love more.make a difference if possible.(i'm not toking abt ending world poverty,but rather the small differences,like for an example,doing what i've always wanted to do,volunteer!)tats my meaning in life.tats what i need to get back.
Its 6.27am now.haha i took so long! too many thots,the ones above are only half of them!have to go now!brother is pestering me for nasi lemak breakfast at elias mall..
(ps)i'm not emo!just very..thoutful lately.
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